“As if anyone cares.”
Heavy whispers surrounded me as I walked on the narrow path. I felt bitter loneliness, and the worst part was that it was a myth. I knew that I was loved, by so many people – family, friends, mentors… but every face I remembered was not there beside me. I was alone. Nobody was there to listen to my cries, to give me a heart-warming hug, or to tell me they love me. Nobody knew that the hesitant tears longed to leave my smiles and laughs. Now that I am really alone, they dripped and slid down my cheeks, as the whispers continued. “Nobody cares about you.”
The hardest part was that I knew. I knew that I was loved and valued. I knew that nobody was there for me simply because none were sensitive enough to see me in need. And above all else, I knew, with the strongest faith, that my Creator and Father loved me dearly with love most unfathomable. But the whispers kept going. “Nobody cares about you.”
I was given two statements: “Nobody cares about you.” and “I love you.” I had to choose what to believe. And after a battle inside me that seemed to take forever, I chose Love. I could smile, and peace filled me. But it didn’t end that simply. The next step I took, I was given the same choice, and the same battle took place. I had to choose Him constantly, because the battle didn’t end in either side’s surrender.
Nobody cares. I love you. Please take my hand. As if anyone cares. You know that in me there is peace. I will warm you and comfort you. You’re not worth it. You are unlovable. You are a masterpiece, and I made you into a wonderful person. Nobody loves you. I love you.
Even now, as I write these words, I imagine a scene with one of my best friends:
He finished his story, and there is a momentary silence. I catch his eyes, and reluctantly ask, “You love me. Right? I mean, as a friend. As a sister.” He loosens his eyes with a smile and says “Of course. I love you.” Relieved, I let out a sigh, then open my arms. “Could you give me a hug?” And so he comes to me and embraces me with his warmth, like he does with his real sisters. I feel his sturdy hands rubbing my back, and tears push against my eyelids. “You are so warm” I finally say.
But the reality is that when I go see him today, he won’t notice my sadness, and I won’t have the courage to ask. And I would still feel lonely when I get back home.
In the end, the only way I can stop this depressing thought about being unloved is to believe in the one Love that is perfect. He is the only perfect love. I know it’s hard to constantly battle the devil’s whispers, but I also know that God’s whispers are much stronger, much greater, and much closer.
I don’t know how long the devil will keep poking me with this lie, but how ever long that will be, I feel ready. Just because someone continuously says that the color of the paper is black, the white paper will not change its color. Just because the devil tells me I am not loved, God will not disown me as His beloved child and friend. So bring it, devil. Your lies will never break through.
Silhouette 