A Journal Entry: From Self Deprecation

“Once again I am pulled down from a place of material confidence regarding my talent for writing. It does not bother me so much, however, that I am not skilled in this particular earthly element, just as I do not make a huge deal out of my cringing voice. At the very least, for now I am able to ignore them and deny it power to effect me.

It ties in very well with the trust-and-obey theme God appointed to me this season. I do not have outstanding talent; I do not have a single innate gift that surpasses those around me. I do not impress the public with my earthly ornaments. And there lies the magnificent beauty: All that is beautiful about me comes wholly from my LORD. All that is talented about me comes from my dependence on the LORD. I am thus extremely beautiful.” 2016/02/16

I wrote this some five months ago, but it deeply encouraged me today. I am once again struggling with self esteem, questioning what worth I have in this world. I searched for qualities in me that are beautiful — am I pretty? talented? skilled in any way, or even kind and loving? — but I found none according to my standards. I knew that God’s standards are the only ones that matter, and that I am valuable according to His standards, but I found myself continuously pushing away this fact and frantically searching for beauty inside me. I discovered worthlessness, sin, imperfection, and a lonely, wandering soul.

When I read this entry after feeling inclined to read my old journal, it finally clicked: I was focusing on myself and blinded to God. Finally lifting my eyes from myself, I caught a glimpse of unbearable beauty, unlimited strength, unimaginable glory. Who am I to consider myself beautiful or valuable –even if I were talented or kind — at the presence of—-God? Who am I to pompously march out unto the world when the great and awesome God walks beside me? The image of a silhouette came into my mind: a darkened, slender figure, having no visible eyes, smile, or character, completely surrounded by beams of glory, blindingly bright. That’s me. That’s you. We are only beautiful because God is beautiful, because we are darkened for His light.