An Entry from My Diary – on Unworthiness

“I am a useless crap. A piece of moldy cake. I cannot do anything well: I have no special talent, no good ability, nor the focus and concentration to better myself. I thought perhaps my mind is special and has a chance to excel, but it proved not. No matter how much I understand my duties and be reconciled to righteousness, I lose it all too easily and never make the action to make real my desires and determinations. I am a useless crap. 
But that is the point. I remember praying, in the midst of subtle pride, that I be weak, foolish, completely worthless, that You (God) may use me to show Your glory. That because I am so weak, so imperfect, Your strength and perfection will be revealed.” 2015.09.29

context: I was looking through my journal and read this one, from a few weeks ago. I was realizing more than ever that I am unworthy of anything, that I am not in fact beautiful. But I also realized that it’s okay to not be beautiful, because the One who matters most, the LORD, love me despite my ugliness. He doesn’t love me because I am beautiful; rather, His love makes me beautiful. This is a follow up:

“Incessantly a voice chatters in my head – subtly, with dimmed sounds… ‘nobody loves you, so you are not beautiful. Nobody makes you beautiful….so you are not worthy.’ 
So I will speak to you, Voice. You are incorrect. There are many, many people who love me. You seem to define ‘love’ as obsession, or an over-passionate eros. That is irrational. Love is not obsessive, love is not only eros. These are facts well founded in the Word. And who do you mean by ‘nobody’? If you define ‘nobody’ as the collective group of people, mum, dad, Sa***, Do***e, Aunt J***, Uncle G***, Wa****s, Ka***, Jo****, K**, and all others in my circles who, I am sure, loves me very much, then sure.
And I think that you do not understand the value of being unworthy. My worthlessness is not a conception, it’s a fact. I have fallen, I am very filthy. I am sinful. This fact cannot change. I will never be righteous until the end of days and I return to my Home. However, I am DEEMED worthy. Not only does a mass of lovely people on earth LOVE me to make me beautiful, the King of all kings, the Creator of ALL, the God of infinite glory, loves me and takes pleasure in me. HE SAYS THAT I AM BEAUTIFUL. And there is no other authority that can challenge His word. I am BEAUTIFUL and you cannot take that away from me. And besides, the fact that I am unworthy proves the extent of God’s love, how selfless and loving He is. That is my honour to glorify Him. -2015.10.07

I just thought I’d share. 🙂

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